It has been 5 moons now since Otie my beloved Kitty who I shared life with for 18 years crossed over to the spirit world and is now flying in a different sky. 5 weeks later my dear friend Anyta crossed over too, My car died and my well went dry. This has been a year of loss and change and I have been hurled head first into the land of grief.
I decided to to not resist but to throw myself all the way in, exploring sadness, crying my eyes out, feeling where the pain was in my body. I worked less and asked for help more. I let go of things I could no longer keep up with. I wrote more poetry and started drawing.
I read and listened to everything I could find on grief and healing and sadness and soon learned that no one is untouched from this experience, even though we all carry and process it in different ways, I discovered that in my most alone hurting place I was actually relating to more of humankind than I ever had!
I began to share the gushiest loving things that I thought and felt in my heart about others with them. I knew that the breath could leave the body unexpectedly at any time for anyone and while previously I may have felt awkward to be as loving on the outside as I felt on the inside but at this point I began to wonder where that programming came from. Ah ah! Ok time to explore all my programming!! So deep into the truth tunnel I journeyed asking and wondering where is my deepest wounding and why I am I letting it run my life?
And then a really funny thing happened. the more I explored my dark wounded side and began to feel some very very deep sadness and longing and fear and at times downright terror,the happier I became! It was like I was cleaning out my cosmic closet of old debris and thoughts that were no longer needed. The ultimate spirit feng shui I suppose.
My life force began to flow more and I felt more creative, alive and healthy than I had in a very long time. I lost weight and I slept deeply. A few nagging body aliments vanished.
I had been so scared to face my sadness,what if I started crying and never stopped? What if I went so far in I wouldn't be able to find my way back out? I soon found out that the real pain was the resistance.
And then a most amazing thing happened! When I really allowed myself to fall to pieces, I actually fell into peace.
I decided to to not resist but to throw myself all the way in, exploring sadness, crying my eyes out, feeling where the pain was in my body. I worked less and asked for help more. I let go of things I could no longer keep up with. I wrote more poetry and started drawing.
I read and listened to everything I could find on grief and healing and sadness and soon learned that no one is untouched from this experience, even though we all carry and process it in different ways, I discovered that in my most alone hurting place I was actually relating to more of humankind than I ever had!
I began to share the gushiest loving things that I thought and felt in my heart about others with them. I knew that the breath could leave the body unexpectedly at any time for anyone and while previously I may have felt awkward to be as loving on the outside as I felt on the inside but at this point I began to wonder where that programming came from. Ah ah! Ok time to explore all my programming!! So deep into the truth tunnel I journeyed asking and wondering where is my deepest wounding and why I am I letting it run my life?
And then a really funny thing happened. the more I explored my dark wounded side and began to feel some very very deep sadness and longing and fear and at times downright terror,the happier I became! It was like I was cleaning out my cosmic closet of old debris and thoughts that were no longer needed. The ultimate spirit feng shui I suppose.
My life force began to flow more and I felt more creative, alive and healthy than I had in a very long time. I lost weight and I slept deeply. A few nagging body aliments vanished.
I had been so scared to face my sadness,what if I started crying and never stopped? What if I went so far in I wouldn't be able to find my way back out? I soon found out that the real pain was the resistance.
And then a most amazing thing happened! When I really allowed myself to fall to pieces, I actually fell into peace.
